Memories of a forgotten childhood
by GinaGold fan
Summary: 11. Next story in the series. When something happens to a member of Ginas' family, it makes her think about everything she has had to go through in her life everything she has had to give up but most of all it makes her question if it was all worth it.
1. Chapter 1

**Ok this is my next fic as promised. Thanks to my regular readers who are always reviewing my stories, hopefully this will be slightly different to my usual style so I hope you're not disappointed.**** You'll have to be**** patient**** with me because**** this story involves time shifts between the past and the present.**

**This story will revolve around Gina and her experiences as a child and young adult, as she reflects on her life when tragedy strikes her world.**

Gina sat on the bed beside Nicola and Molly as she read them their bedtime story one Thursday night. It was mid January so the temperature both inside and out was cold. She shivered slightly in the bedroom as she tucked the two young girls into their beds.

"Now, you two be really good and go straight to sleep." She said as she kissed Molly on the forehead and then Nicola.

She gently closed the bedroom door as she left to head back downstairs. Even though she now had Nicola to look after, she had insisted that Molly and Cara still stayed the night on Thursdays. Alex had tried to argue, saying she thought it was unfair to expect her Mum and Dad to look after three girls in such a small house, but Gina wouldn't hear of it. Her response was_ "where there is a will there is a way. It's only for one night a week so I'm sure we'll manage."_

She loved looking after her Granddaughters no matter what she had to give up to do it. Most of the time Molly would end up in the bed beside her and Davey anyway. Cara slept in the living room on the pull out bed which she didn't mind so long as she got to spend time with her Granny and Granddad.

As Gina reached the bottom of the stairs her phone began to ring. She thought it might have been Davey ringing, he was working late at the pub, he often rang to say goodnight to Nicola if he was coming home after she was in bed.

"Hello." She answered stifling a yawn.

"Is that Ms Gina Gold?" A young woman asked on the other end.

Ginas' brow creased, she didn't like the seriousness of the womans' tone.

"Yes it is." Gina replied.

"I'm calling from Oak Hill Nursing Home; I'm one of the nurses in charge of looking after your Mother." The woman explained.

Gina felt her heart skip a beat.

"What's happened? Is she alright?" She interrupted.

"She's been taken to St Joseph's hospital, I'm sorry but she had a stroke about half an hour ago."

Gina felt her voice stick in her throat and didn't quite know what to say.

"Is she bad?" She asked.

"I'm afraid I can't tell you very much, the paramedics said that it was too early to tell."

"Right well I'll get to the hospital as quick as I can." Gina said as she ended the conversation and replaced the handset.

Gina sat on her stairs looking at her phone. Cara walked into the hall from the living room. She looked worriedly at Gina.

"Granny are you alright?" She asked.

Gina gave her a weak smile and held her arm out to give Cara a hug. Cara walked slowly over to where she was sat and joined her on the step. Gina wrapped her arm around Caras' shoulder and hugged her tightly.

"Who was that on the phone?" Cara pressed, feeling worried.

"It was one of the nurses at the home where my Mum is; apparently she's had a stroke." Gina explained.

"Is she ok?" Cara asked with concern.

"I'm not sure." Gina replied honestly. "I'm going to have to go to the hospital."

"Is she in St Hughes?"

"No it's one in Kent because that's where her home is." Gina said as she stood up.

She needed to let Alex know what was happening but didn't want to leave the kids on their own, so she phoned her instead. Within a couple of minutes Alex came round to be with her Mum.

"Well Smithy can stay with them; he's done it before and he doesn't mind." Alex argued. She was trying to persuade her Mum to let her drive with her to Kent. "Please Mum; you really shouldn't be on your own right now." She pleaded.

As much as Gina hated to admit it she really wanted Alexs' support and company.

"Alright, but only if Smithy doesn't mind." Gina relented.

"He won't mind so stop worrying about it." Alex said reassuringly.

After sorting the kids out Alex switched her car ignition on and pulled out of her drive way. Baby Alexander had ended up in the car with them, because he was going through a very clingy stage where he hated being separated from Alex.

It would take an hour and a half at least before they would get anywhere near the hospital. Gina sat quietly in the passenger seat thinking about her Mum and everything that had happened to them over the years.

_Saturday morning in the East end of London in the summer meant that it was stifling hot. It was no exception in Commercial Square.__ All of the kids from the cul de sac laughed and played happily in the sun._

_The kids ranged from the youngest at four to the eldest at eleven. They all knew each other and played together nicely, the older ones looking after the younger ones._

_A small group of kids sat on the pavement chatting. They went to the same school around the corner and lived next to each other in the square. Davey Phillips was the eldest of the group, he was eleven. He had t__w__o younger sisters, Mandy who was nine and Sophie who was six. Then there was Marie Darling aged ten and her younger brother Angus who was the same age as Sophie. Richard Gold was also six and was in the same class at school as Sophie and Angus.__ The third eldest of the group was Gina aged eight._

_It was late morning, nearly time for __lunch, so they sat and enjoyed an ice-cream each and a glass of lemonade, supplied by Daveys' Mum._

_"Thank you Mrs Phillips." They all said with gratitude._

_As they enjoyed their treats they discussed their week at school._

_"__If Ruth Parker comments on my family one more time... I swear I'm going to bleedin' chin her." Marie said._

_Marie and Angus' Dad had recently left his family and moved to somewhere else in London. He didn't say anything to anyone, just got up one morning, packed his bags and left. Since then, one of the girls in Maries' class had been picking on her and taunting her._

_"Oh do me a favour, if you lamp her one it'll only make things worse. The teachers will come da'an 'ard on you instead of her." Gina said._

_She was the more level headed one of the group, for only eight years she had more life experience than__ m__any of the adults on the street__ as well as having a wise head on young shoulders._

_"Yeah Gina's right Marie, Ruth Parker ain't worth it; beside she's a right one to talk. I heard she ain't got an old man at all and never has 'cause he left before she were born." Davey explained. _

_Richard ran into his own house a__nd__ left the other__s__ sat on the pavement. He needed the toilet so he ran in through the front door. Gina stayed sitting with her friends when he came running back out to her._

_"Gina come 'ere quick I need you." He shouted sounding upset and distress__ed_

_Gina didn't need to guess what it was that he needed her for, she knew that it would be something to do with their Mother. Sure enough when Gina walked into her kitchen her Mother had collapsed on the floor._

_Going back as far as Gina could remember her__ Mother had been addicted to Va__lium__. She had started taking it after Richard was born and now she was hardly ever conscious._

_The sight of her Mum sprawled on the kitchen floor no longer distressed Gina. She had seen it happen too many times before to let it worry her. She dragged her into the living room and moved her onto the couch. This had become quite a regular routine to Gina, but it still frightened her brother.__ Her own Father was hardly ever there. He owned a chain of bookmakers across the east and south ends of London, and spent fifteen hours a day (if not more) working._

_"Sorry guys I'm going to have to stay in for a while but I'll catch you later." She had said, shutting the front door on the world._

Alex took hold of Ginas' hand which pulled her out of her thoughts. She had obviously been trying to tell her something but Gina hadn't been listening.

"Sorry darlin' I was in a world of my own. What were you saying?" She said sounding exhausted.

"We're nearly there now. It's just another five minutes away." Alex replied.

The streets were pretty quiet which made travelling a lot easier. Alex drove the car around the quiet streets and pulled into the hospital car park. She hardly spoke to Gina; she didn't know what to say. Gina seemed to be in a world of her own at the moment, which was understandable, so nothing was really getting through to her.

Getting out of the car the two women made their way into the main reception of the hospital. Alex carried baby Alexander in his carrier as he slept peacefully. Gina approached the receptionist and explained who she was into see and the situation they faced. The receptionist found someone to take both women up to the room where Ginas' Mum was.

Gina felt so numb that it didn't really shock her to see her Mum attached to several drips and had tubes coming out of her nose and mouth. The doctor explained that her Mother was on life support and that the stroke had been quite serious.

"We've sent some tests off for analysis but we won't get the results until the morning. For the moment we can't tell if she will regain consciousness or not; or how much damage the stroke has caused. We will know more when we get the results." He explained.

"Thanks Doctor. Can we go through and sit with her?" Alex asked.

"Yes of course you can. We will be checking on her periodically through the night so we can keep you updated." He finished, leaving Gina and Alex standing in the corridor.

"Do you want me to come in with you?" Alex asked.

At first Gina wanted to say no but then realised that she wanted her own daughter to be close by.

"Actually, I would really appreciate it if you would." She said.

They walked into the room and heard the rhythmic beeping of the machines. There was a small soft arm chair in the corner of the room, and one right beside the bed. Alex encouraged Gina to sit beside her Mum and then gently placed Alexander on the floor and sat in the chair in the corner. For the first couple of hours they didn't say very much to each other, but gradually Gina opened up more and more to Alex about what her Mum had been like growing up.

"My Dad was never really there, he was too much of a coward to face up to his responsibilities." Gina said.

"How do you mean?" Alex asked.

"I remember one incident in particular. I was about ten years old and I had become quite accustomed to pulling my Mum up off the floor, she was always out cold. This particular incident happened... must have been in the early hours of the morning, she was unconscious as usual but my Dad was still not home. I was struggling to get her up from the kitchen floor when I heard the front door open. It was my Dad coming home from the bookies at last. He looked at me, saw what was happening but didn't even make a move to help; instead I heard the front door close again and he was gone, just like that." She explained.

Alex looked shocked. She knew that growing up had been quite difficult for Gina and her brother, but this was the first time that she had really heard Gina talking about it so candidly.

"My parents were one of the main reasons I gave you up for adoption. It just wouldn't have been fair to divide my attention between you and them." She said.

Gina looked at her Mum as she lay in her hospital bed._ I gave my only daughter up for you and Dad and never got anything out of it._ She thought bitterly.

_January 1974__ was cold and very bitter. It had been one of the coldest winters Gina had ever experienced in the heart of London. She sat in the Doctors' waiting area surrounded by people coughing, sneezing and sniffing. Flu had been spreading quickly from person to person. The newspapers had been reporting it as one of the worst epidemics in Britain in over ten years. Gina hoped that she wouldn't catch it; that would be all she'd need at the moment._

_"Gina Gold?" The doctor called around the waiting room._

_Gina stood up and walked over to the doctor and smiled weakly at him. He walked her into his private room and asked her to take a seat before settling behind his own desk. She waited patiently, unaware that she was holding her breath. She looked at the Doctor and waited for him to start speaking._

_"Well we finally have the results back from your pregnancy test, you are pregnant. We're sure that you are at least three months gone so there are one or two more tests we need to do." He explained at last._

_Gina released her breath and looked shocked. She wasn't sure why she felt so shocked, she had surmised the results a long time before now._

_"Have you spoken to the babys' father yet?__"He asked politely._

_**Ha that's a joke and a half, don't think me or my baby will be having anything to do with him.**__ She thought to herself before shaking her head._

_"No I don't want anything more to do with him." Gina said._

_"Will you be telling anybody about the pregnancy? After all, it isn't something you should try doing on your own." He encouraged._

_"I'm sure I'll manage." She replied impatiently._

_She stood up and headed towards the door._

_"I have managed on my own before now, and I don't need you or anybody else telling me otherwise." She said before walking out of the doctors' surgery. _

_She walked the long way home again thinking about her situation. She wasn'__t sure what it was__ she was going to do. In a way she felt terrified about the prospect of becoming a Mum on her own, she knew for a fact that Davey wasn't her babys' Dad. That meant that Jack Marshall was and she couldn't run the risk of him finding out about the pregnancy._

_**How would my baby feel if it found out it had a violent rapist for a father?**__ She asked herself._

_She thought for a while about what she would tell Davey. They hadn't been back together for very long but she couldn't ask him to bring up another man's baby and run the risk of everyone finding out the truth.__ No, she would have to end it before anyone could get too hurt. The thought of ending it with Davey hurt and upset Gina__ more than the thought of being a single Mum._

_She had known Davey since she was born really. He was three years older than her, she had always looked up to him, and he had always looked after and taken care of her. They started seeing each other two years previously when Gina was sixteen. She'd had a crush on him since she was eleven but never realised that he felt the same for her. _

_They split up about six months ago when Davey asked her to marry him. Gina desperately wanted to say yes to him but she couldn't, she still needed to be with her family and take care of them. She couldn't commit her life to Davey knowing that it wouldn't just be them in their marriage.__ She made the hard choice and turned him down but couldn't give him a good reason why. He left London for a couple of months and Gina thought that that would be the last she would see of him. Then about four months ago he turned up on her door step with an apologetic look and a large bouquet of flowers. She melted and knew that she was madly in love with him. That was something she would keep to herself though, admitting her feelings was something Gina Gold never talked about or expressed._

_"We'll take it slowly, and I promise I won't force you to make any decisions you don't want to make." He had said._

_Gina couldn't say no to that so she got back together with him.__ The last few months had been fantastic between them. True to his word he didn't do anything that Gina didn't want to do. Then about a month a__nd a__ half before, Gina decided that she wanted to move in with Davey. They wanted to look for a place together because neither of their flats __was__ big enough for two people. _

_She hadn't realised that she was pregnant until quite recently but she knew Davey couldn't be her babys' father because they had been careful, Jack Marshall on the other hand hadn't been._

_She had tried to put the incident to the back of her mind. She hadn't told anyone that Jack Marshall had raped her; she just wanted to forget about the whole thing. _

_With only one thing certain in Ginas' life at the moment, she opened her front door__ and let herself in. __Th__is__ baby __w__ould be her chance to break free from the monotonous pattern her life had fallen into.__ This baby would be her secret, but most of all this baby__would be hers to love and care for. Closing the front door she placed her hand over her stomach and patted it protectively._

Gina was woken by Alex who was holding a hot cup of tea.

"Mum are you awake?" She whispered.

It took Gina a few moments to get her bearings and remember where she was. She looked at Alex who smiled at her.

"I thought you might like a hot drink." She said to her Mum as she passed Gina the plastic cup.

"Thanks." Gina replied as she took hold of the drink and held it to her lips.

"I phoned Dad and told him what has happened; he's on his way over. Before you object he insisted on coming, he said he wanted to be with you." Alex added when she saw the look on Ginas' face as she tried to interrupt.

Gina smiled weakly at her now grown daughter and then looked across the room to baby Alexander who was still fast asleep. She still loved her daughter more than anyone else and knew she always would.


	2. Chapter 2

Just after midnight, Davey came into the private hospital room. Alex had fallen asleep in the armchair but Gina was still wide awake. Gina looked up when she heard the door open and smiled when she saw Davey.

"Hey I came as quick as I could." He said as he pulled her into a tight comforting hug. "How is she doing?" He asked.

"They're not sure at the moment but the stroke was serious." She explained.

"And what about you, how are bearing up?" He whispered.

She looked up at him, not quite sure how to answer, she didn't really know how she felt. In a way she would feel relieved if her Mum past away. At least she wouldn't be in pain anymore; but she wasn't sure if she would feel upset. After all, her whole family had put her through so much in her lifetime, could she find it in her to feel upset?

Gina sat back in the chair beside the bed and ran her hand over her Mums head. She ran her finger over the scar on her Mums right temple and vividly remembered the day she received that injury.

_Summer 1974 was another hot year. It had been five months since Gina found out about her pregnancy and it was fast approaching her due date. Her baby was due in July and it was already June the eighth._

_Gina hadn't breathed a word of her pregnancy to anyone and she had managed to keep it well hidden. With the days getting hotter it meant that she got away with wearing baggie tops without drawing too much attention to herself._

_The last few months had gone well for her. She had found a new flat on the other side of Canley. Far away enough from her family so that they could deal with their own problems, but still close enough to help her brother Richard. She hadn't told anyone that she was moving or where she was moving to; that way she stood a better chance of keeping her baby a secret. She hadn't quite worked out how she was going to do that once the baby was born, but she knew she would find a way somehow. _

_It was a Sunday afternoon so Richa__rd was__ at __home with__ their Mum. Derek (Gina and Richards Dad) was out as usual. __Gina was planning to spend the day inside her flat packing some more things into boxes for when she moved. She had been doing things bit by bit and slowly things were being put away._

_It was nearing lunch time when her phone rang. She waddled over to it and picked the receiver up._

_"Hello." She answered cheerfully._

_"Gina it's me. You need to come to the house quick. Mum's had another accident in the kitchen... there's blood everywhere... she's out cold... I don't know what to do." Richard said down the phone to her in a distressed garbled heap._

_"Alrigh' Richey calm down, I'm on my way now." She replied with a sigh as she replaced the handset._

_Grabbing her bag she walked the mile and a half to Commercial Square. She let herself into the house__ with her key to find her brother flapping around in a state. She walked into the kitchen to find her Mother unconscious on the flo__or with a small pool of blood beside her. Seeing the blood didn't really faze Gina, her Mother had often received some sort of injury from falling. However since being pregnant the sight of blood made Gina feel quite queasy. _

_The colour drained from her face but she composed herself and looked at the problem they faced. Usually Gina would drag her Mother into the back bedroom or into the living room, but in her condition it would make things difficult even if Richard helped. She didn't have much of a choice __though;__ she was going to have to._

_"Ok Rich, you take hold of her ankles and I'll take her head. We need to get her into the back room."__She explained authoritatively_

_Doing as he was told Richard to__ok__ hold of his Mothers__ feet and Gina supported her head._

_"Right on the count of three we lift. One, two, three..." Gina said as they supported her weight._

_As soon as she lifted her Mum though, Gina automatically regretted it. She felt the strain on her back and abdomen. She gritted her teeth and hauled their Mother down the hall into the next room. They __laid her on the bed and Gina placed her hands in the small of her back as she straightened up._

_As she stood she suddenly doubled over again in pain. She clutched her stomach as she felt her baby move inside her._

_**Oh please be ok .**__She thought as the pain subsided._

_"Gina are you alright?" Richard asked with concern as he saw the look on his sisters' face._

_"Yeah I'm fine. I'm just going to the toilet; I'll be back in a minute." She replied, rushing off to the bathroom._

_She shut the door and locked it just in time before she was sick. Her stomach felt like it was doing summersaults and she knew that it wasn't the baby moving_

_"Oh please be ok, I can't lose you, please be ok." She whispered to her baby._

_Gina sat on the bathroom floor for a good five minutes. She wasn't sick again, but she was too scared to move in case something bad happened to her baby. She ran her hand over her large bump and knew that she couldn't go on like this. There would be no way she could just disappear and leave her brother to deal with situations like the one downstairs._

_What would she do though? Tell everyone and stay where she was and just hope no one would ask questions? __Or__ just go ahead and move?__ Unfortunately any questions that needed answering would need to be answered later as Richard knocked on the bathroom door._

_"Gina? G? Are you alrigh'?"He asked calmly through the door._

_She flushed the toilet and washed her hands before unlocking the door._

_"I'm absolutely fine." She said defiantly_

_She went back downstairs and mopped up the blood from the floor and bathed the cut above her Mothers' eyebrow._

_"She must have caught her head on the corner of the table." Richard explained._

_"Yeah she must have done. She should be alright now though__." Gina replied. "Listen I'm going to head back home. Give us a ring later if you need me." She added._

_She trudged back home feeling exhausted both physically and emotionally. She opened her door and made her way straight into the kitchen. She filled the kettle with water and plugged it in. Once she had poured the hot water into a fresh cup, she sat at her kitchen table and thought about her dilemma._

_There was no way she could bring up her baby with her family constantly in the background causing problems for her. She still wouldn't get a __moment's__ piece even if she moved to the other side of London. She couldn't bring her baby into the world knowing that she would constantly__ be expected to drop everything._

_Deep down Gina realised that there was only one realistic option, but she didn't want to make it. As she sat at the table she let the tears flow freely down her face. She rested her head in her hands and sobbed uncontrollably. She smiled weakly when she felt the baby, her baby, kick. She composed herself and took her empty mug to the sink._

_As she walked over to the sink, she doubled over as the pain of a thousand knives ripped across her lower stomach. She clutched her stomach and balanced herself against the draining board._

_"Not now please. You're not due until next month." She said as another wave of pain crippled her._

_She slid onto the floor unable to move. Helpless, she laid there for twenty minutes before someone came into her flat. It was her__ old__ school friend Amanda._

_"Oh my God Gina are you alright?" Amanda said as she rushed over to her friend._

_Amanda had a key to Ginas' flat from when they flat shared. She quite often let herself in when she needed somewhere to crash for the night._

_"It's the __baby;__ I need you to get me to the hospital quickly."__ Gina__ said barely conscious._

_"Baby? What baby?" Amanda asked almost hysterically._

_"My baby, I'm eight months pregnant."Gina found the strength to sound annoyed_

_Amanda was in a state of shock. She couldn't believe Gina was pregnant and hadn't told her. Doing as she was told she called for an ambulance and sat with her friend as Gina tried her hardest to stay awake._

_The ambulance crew finally arrived and wheeled Gina into the ambulance; they rushed her through the busy streets to the nearest hospital. Once there Gina was taken straight to theatre._

_The doctor delivered a healthy baby girl within a few minutes after Gina had been prepped for surgery. The baby was taken to be weighed and looked after by one of the mid wives. Gina proved to be more of a problem._

_"I can't stop the bleeding. I'm not sure where it's coming from." The doctor told his staff._

_They worked for hours trying to stop the__haemorrhage. Finally, ten hours after Ginas' daughter had been delivered__, the bleeding had stopped. They wheeled her back up to one of the wards to recover. The ward was empty apart from Gina and her baby.__ It wasn't until the next afternoon before Gina regained consciousness._

_It took her a few minutes to gain composure and realise where she was. Her baby lay in a cot at the side of her hospital bed. Gina smiled when she saw her baby girl._

_Amanda had stayed the whole night and most of the morning waiting for Gina to waken. She walked back into the room after getting something to eat._

_"You're awake at last." She said when she saw Ginas' eyes flicker._

_"What time is it?" Gina asked hoarsely._

_"Just after half past one in the afternoon. You were in theatre for ages." She replied as she sat beside her friend. "So do you want to explain to me how all this happened and why you didn't tell me?"_

_Gina__ thought for a moment, she wasn't quite sure where to begin._

_"I found out I was pregnant in January but you know what my family is like, I can't bring up a baby around them, I'm at their beck and call 24-7. When I found out I was expecting I decided I wanted to go it alone. Nobody knows about the baby apart from you so please don't breathe a word." Gina said._

_"Well what about the babys' father? Is it Davey?" Amanda pressed._

_"__I do not want__ to have anything to do with her father, and no it's not Davey." Gina said as she sat up. "Will you pass her to me, I want to hold her." She added._

_"She's beautiful Gina; I have to admit I had a hold of her earlier." Amanda said as she passed the baby to her Mum._

_Gina wrapped her arms protectively around her baby. Gina knew she was going to find it difficult to be separated from her daughter, but it was best for her._

_"I can't keep her, I realise that now." Gina sobbed._

_"What do you mean?" Amanda asked as she sat on the bed beside Gina._

_Gina explained what had happened the day before. Amanda knew all about Ginas' Mum and Dad and knew all about the problems she faced._

_"You see if I want my daughter to have a better childhood than I did, then it can't be with me as her Mum. It's what is best for her." She said._

_Gina looked down at the small bundle in her arms. She bent her head and kissed the baby on her forehead._

_"Gina can you not think of another way?" _

_Gina shook her head._

_"This is the only way." She replied._

_Amanda thought long and hard over the next few hours. She sat with Gina and her daughter for most of the afternoon and saw how happy Gina was. Finally she came to a decision._

_Amanda had been away for a few months before she came back to Sun Hill. A lot of her friends knew that she had been pregnant before she __left but__ what they didn't know was that she had miscarried._

_"What if I was to take her on? Nobody apart from you knows about my __miscarriage so I could pass her off as my own. That way you still get to be a part of her life but she is away from your family. Nobody would need to know the truth." Amanda explained._

_Gina didn't want to give her answer straight away so she told her that she would think about it. _

_For the next couple of afternoons there was no more talk of adoption or giving her baby away. Gina just enjoyed being a Mum to her new daughter. She decided to name her Esther. Finally one afternoon when Amanda came to see her Gina gave her her answer._

_"It was a really nice thought and I have given it serious consideration, but I don't think I __could watch someone else play__ happy families with my daughter. For this to work I would have to have no part in her life. I've arranged for a social worker to come and take her away to have her officially adopted." Gina explained as the tears slowly rolled down her cheeks._

_Amanda didn't answer. She knew that Gina was right and the best thing she could do would be to support__ her friend over the next few months. That afternoon the two friends enjoyed spending their last afternoon with baby Esther._

_The following morning a woman from the adoption agency came to collect Esther and take her to her foster parents. Gina had clothed her in a yellow baby suit and placed her into a pram. She said goodbye one final time before watching as the young woman carried her baby out of the hospital and out of her life._

_Gina cried endlessly for months afterwards, normally the tough and seemingly untouchable Gina Gold had been reduced to an emotional wreck. From then on Gina was more guarded about who she opened her heart to. She put up a wall of defence __and outwardly she seemed like a hard face__d__ cow, but inside she was soft and the pain of losing her daughter was something that never went away, but was something she learned to live with._

Alexander woke with a slight cry which woke his Mum and Granny. Gina smiled at Alex as she soothed her son. Alex looked over at her Mum apologetically when she noticed that Ginas' cheeks were tear stained. Gina must have been crying in her sleep whilst she was thinking about her daughter.

"Mum are you alright?" Alex asked.

Gina had never talked about what had happened during the days in the lead up to Alexs' adoption. Alex never really asked but Gina sat and explained what happened in detail. She felt that both Davey and Alex deserved to know the full truth.

By the time Gina had finished talking, the sun had started to poke its way in to the sky. Alex sat on the bed facing her Mum, her face was now tear stained after listening to Ginas' gut wrenching story.

She knew that the decision to give her up had been a hard one for Gina to make, but she didn't realise just how hard it had been.


	3. Chapter 3

Alex sat in the hospital room with her Mum and Dad and still felt the tears rolling down her face. Gina felt guilty for making her daughter feel upset; she hadn't meant to do that.

"I'm sorry darlin', I didn't tell you to distress you. I just thought you both needed to know what happened. Apart from my friend Amanda, nobody knew you existed, and the longer I left it... I don't know, the harder it became to talk about you." Gina explained as she held her daughter close.

"Gina I would have taken care of you both, even if Alex wasn't my daughter. Why didn't you tell me?" Davey asked. He had tears in his eyes but remained calm.

"I didn't know Alex was your daughter, I really did think Marshall was. If I had have known then what I know now then I would have done everything differently." She explained. "I didn't want you to feel responsible for me and I didn't want you finding out about what happened between me and Marshall."

"I would have killed him, in fact if I ever come across him again I will." Davey said angrily.

Both Alex and Gina gave small laughs as Gina kissed Alex on the forehead.

The atmosphere in the room was calm and yet tense at the same time. Gina continued to comfort Alex when something happened that threw them all off guard. An alarm on one of the machines that Ginas' Mum was attached to sounded and two nurses came rushing in.

A doctor followed closely behind them to help and give his diagnosis.

"It appears that she's had another stroke. I don't think it was as serious as the first but it will have certainly hindered her recovery. She's stable again now but we will be keeping a closer eye on her." He told Gina about twenty minutes later.

Gina looked down at her Mum as she lay in the bed. She looked peaceful and for the first time Gina felt a different feeling, sorrow.

"What are her chances, honestly, of pulling through?" She asked the Doctor, her voice sticking in her throat.

"Honestly? Not great, but then again she could surprise us all and pull through." He said.

"Thank you." Gina managed to say.

He left the room and left the three of them to continue talking. Gina became very quiet and subdued which Alex picked up on.

"Mum, are you alright?" She asked comfortingly.

Gina slowly nodded and Alex walked over beside her, placing her arm round her Mums' shoulders and resting her head on one of them.

"I'm alright, it's just... what am I going to do if she dies? I've looked after her my whole life; I've given up so much for her, my childhood, my daughter, every relationship I ever had when I was younger, but she's my Mum. I felt nothing when my Dad died. I didn't even go to his funeral. All of these years I've felt nothing but resentment and a sense of duty, but now I feel heartbroken at the thought of losing her." Gina said as her eyes filled with tears.

"Shhhh." Alex said comfortingly.

"I've always had to deal with things on my own, even when we thought Richard had died. My Dad was already dead by that stage and when I told Mum, it didn't even register with her that her son was dead." Gina continued.

_... You know baby when you're in my arms... __The radio played in the kitchen. "That was Shakin' Stevens with She drives me crazy..."__Gina turned the radio off.__ She had a splitting headache and was already in a bad mood._

_She had just received a letter from her brother in Longmarsh prison. He was being detained at her Majesty's pleasure after being wrongly convicted of murder.__ Richard was devastated __and he had just lost his__ appeal. Gina knew he wasn't coping well inside but her weekly visits were all that kept him going at times. She re-read the letter in her hands._

_**Dear Gina.**_

_**I hope you are ok, as I'm sure you will be, but we can't kid ourselves anymore. I'm not going to be getting out of here any time soon so it's only fair that you carry on with your own life. I want you to forget about me and move on. What I'm asking... no telling... is that you no longer come to visit me. I don't want you seeing me in here**__** so this is goodbye for now. Hopefully one day I will be released and we'll see each other again.**_

_**Take care of yourself, Richard X.**_

_No matter how many times she read over the letter it didn't make her feel any better, if anything it made her feel worse. She decided that she was going to find out what was going on once and for all._

_She grabbed her coat from the hall way and her car keys then drove towards the prison. She would speak to John Campbell__ he'd know more about what was going on. John was a prison officer on her brothers' wing. Gina had known John for a long time; he had been a beat officer around the area where Gina grew up. That was before he transferred and became a prison officer instead. He remembered Gina and her brother well and had become a private contact for them whilst Richard was inside._

_She drove twelve miles west and finally turned down the quiet road that led into the prison car park. She told the security guard on the front gate who she was in to see and he let her through. Another guard approached her and took her into the main building. As they got to one of the doors inside she came face to face with John Campbell._

_"Gina what are you doing here? I was just on my way round to see you." He said gravely._

_As soon as he said that Gina knew straight away that something had happened, something certainly didn't feel right._

_"John what's happened?" She __said__ the panic evident in her voice_

_"Follow me in here." He said pointing into a room on their left. "You'd better sit down."__He added as he shut the door behind them._

_Gina did as she was told and sat on one of the chairs in front of her. John did the same and didn't know where to begin. He knew that the news he had to tell her would absolutely cripple her._

_"Gina I am so very sorry but we found Richard hanging in his cell this morning. Myself and a colleague tried to resuscitate him but it was already too late, he was dead when we arrived." He explained. _

_Gina felt as if someone had just ripped her apart limb from limb. She tried to stay calm and unemotional, but she couldn't. Her sobs became more and more violent as the time past. Her brother had been the only family she had who she cared for. Without him her life was empty._

_"I need to go out for some fresh air." She said finally._

_"Right I'll come out with you." John said._

_They walked silently into the yard at the back of the prison__ and Gina lit a cigarette and inhaled deeply._

_"I got a letter from him this morning telling me to stay away. At least I know why now." She said between puffs of smoke._

_"If there's anything I can do for you, day or night, give us a shout yeah?" He said._

_She looked at him and smiled weakly._

_"Thanks John but I'll manage on my own from here." She replied before dropping her cigarette on the ground and walking back towards her car._

_She drove back towards her house taking a detour on the way to see to her Mother. She wasn't sure how much point there was in telling her about Richards' death but somewhere inside she hoped that she was wrong. She opened the front door and picked up the mail from the door mat. She placed them on the sideboard and walked upstairs to her Mums' bedroom._

_She threw open the curtains letting fresh light into the dark dingy__ room. Her Mum stirred slightly as the light shone on her face._

_"Mum it's Gina." Gina said as she gently shook her awake._

_Her Mum looked at her but it didn't appear as if she recognised her. Gina was accustomed to this blank look, but at this moment she really needed for her Mum to know who she was._

_"Mum I have to tell you something. Richard died this morning, he hung himself in his cell at Longmarsh." She explained, feeling frustrated when she met the same blank look. Nothing was registering. _

_Distress and exhaustion kicked in and Gina no longer had the strength to try to communicate with her Mother._

_"I'll make us a cup of tea." She said with what strength she had left._

Davey and Alex had fallen asleep whilst Gina sat holding her Mums' hand throughout the rest of the night. It was now nine o'clock in the morning and the hospital began to bustle with action.

Alex stirred at last and then looked apologetically at her Mum. She couldn't believe she had fallen asleep when her Mum needed her the most. She nudged Davey awake, who jumped a little with fright at being woken suddenly. They sorted themselves just in time as the Doctor entered the room.

He looked at Gina with a sorrowful gaze.

"We've got the test results back and I'm afraid that it's not good news. After the second stroke last night her brain as stopped showing signs of activity. I'm sorry but she is brain dead, the only thing keeping her alive is the life support." He explained.

Ginas' eyes filled with tears and she looked lost and forlorn as she stood in the middle of the room. She felt helpless as if she was a little girl again.

"I'm guessing you need my permission to switch the machine off." She said to the doctor.

"That's correct as you are her next of kin." He replied.

Davey wrapped his arm around her and tried to comfort her.

"I'm not sure if I can." She whispered so that Davey and Alex were the only ones who could hear. "Out of all my bad memories I only have one good one, I'm not even sure if it's real." She continued.

_Gina ran into her bedroom and hid under the bed. She giggled when she saw her Mums' feet pace around the floor. She looked under the bed and shouted "rar" as she lifted her daughter from underneath._

_Gina laughed and squirmed as her Mum tickled her ribs as she pulled her onto the bed._

_"Right you madam, it's time for bed." She said as she tried to tuck Gina into the bed._

_"Aww but Mummy I want to stay up and play." Gina said grumpily._

_"You can stay up late when you get bigger." Her Mum replied._

_"But I am big Mummy, see I'm this many." Gina said as she held up two chubby little fingers._

_"Well you might be that many now but how do you expect to get any bigger if you don't sleep?" This last statement made Gina think._

_"Ok Mummy, love you." She said as she snuggled down under the duvet and closed her eyes._

_The light was switched off and the door closed behind__ her Mum._

"I can come back in a little while if you wish to have some time alone." The doctor said.

Gina shook her head.

"No, if I don't do this now then I'll never do it." She said.

She took a couple of steps towards the hospital bed and bent over her Mum.

"I love you." She whispered into her ear so that no one else heard. She then kissed her on the forehead before stepping back beside her daughter and husband.

Alex held on to her hand and Davey had his arm round her waist. She looked across to the Doctor and nodded her head. He pressed the button which turned the life support off. Everyone remained silent so that the only sound that could be heard was the rhythmic beeping as it gradually slowed.

Beep beep beep... beep beep... beep... beeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

The sound filled the room until the Doctor shut the last of the machine off.

"Could you give me a moment on my own?" Gina asked Alex and Davey.

"Yes of course we can. We'll be outside the door if you need us." Alex said as she led her Dad out of the room.

Gina sat with her Mum for the best part of an hour before she made her way outside to Alex and Davey. She looked and felt exhausted.

"Are you alright?" Davey asked her.

"Yeah I'm ok, I think I just want to go home now and get some rest." She said.

They walked out of the hospital and drove back to Sun Hill in silence. They all felt emotionally wrecked but Gina felt something else as well, peace. She no longer felt the same resentment or anger towards her Mum that she once did.

She walked into her house and went straight to bed. She was fast asleep as soon as her head hit her pillow. She would start organising the funeral tomorrow but for now the most important thing was to get some much needed rest.


	4. Chapter 4

Less than a week after her Mothers' death, Gina had arranged the funeral and the wake to take place on Wednesday afternoon. She had insisted on doing everything by herself but Alex managed to get her say every now and then. Alex was feeling guilty after hearing what her Mum had to say at the hospital, and since then they hadn't said anything more about it.

Gina had been affected by her Mothers' death more than she thought she would have been, but Gina Gold being Gina Gold, she didn't voice how she was feeling to anybody. Her daughter had picked up on her Mums' pain, but she couldn't get Gina to open up.

Finally the morning of the funeral arrived and Gina was preparing food and drink for afterwards. She didn't expect many people to come, but she thought she had better organise some food just in case.

"Can I help you with anything Mum?" Alex asked as she walked in through the kitchen door.

"No thanks I think I'm just about finished now." Gina replied.

Alex was feeling a little helpless. She was used to her Mum dealing badly with sympathy and help, but she hated being pushed away. Gina realised that that was what she was doing and felt immediately guilty.

"I'm sorry darlin' I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but you know what I'm like. I've never been able to cope with people fussing or being sympathetic, it's just not me." She explained whilst hugging her daughter.

"Its fine honest." Alex replied quietly, but Gina picked up on something that she was telling her.

"Come on talk to me, what's on your mind?" She pressed.

Alex gave in.

"Since that night at the hospital we've hardly spoken to each other. I don't know if it's just because you want your space or..." She started to explain before trailing off.

"...or what?" Gina asked.

"Is everything ok between you and me? I mean a lot of old wounds were opened up the other night; I'm pretty surprised you're still talking to me actually." Alex said, managing a weak smile.

"Oh don't be daft; do you think I would go through all of that just to stop talking to you now?" She replied raising an eyebrow. "Come on we'd better get ready to head out because traffic is murder out there and I don't want to rush or be late." She added.

An hour or so later Gina arrived at the church with Davey, as did Alex with Smithy. They were surprised to see two other cars parked in the church car park. One of them belonged to Ginas' Aunt and Uncle; and the other belonged to a previous neighbour from Commercial Square.

"Who's that older couple?" Alex whispered curiously to her Mum.

"That is my Uncle Martin and his wife Barbara. He was my Mums' brother. I'd better greet them otherwise I'll never live it down." Gina said, rolling her eyes as she approached her family members, making Alex smile.

"Uncle Martin, thank you for coming." She said as she walked over to him.

He smiled at her and mumbled his condolences.

"Who's that young woman you were talking to, can't say I recognise her?" He asked.

Gina smiled inwardly. She had forgotten that none of her family knew about Alex, and it gave her great pleasure to introduce her daughter.

"Her name is Alex and she is my daughter." She explained to a surprised and confused Aunt and Uncle.

"Your daughter? Since when did you have kids?" Her Aunt said.

"It's a long story, but her Father and I finally married about six months ago as well." Gina added nodding in Daveys direction.

She spoke to them for a few minutes before joining her daughter, husband and son-in-law again. A further four cars pulled up into the car park, followed by a man in his mid forties on foot. Gina recognised him straight away and was surprised to see him. She quickly approached him and pulled him to one side.

"Richard, what are you doing here?" She nervously asked her brother.

He was still supposed to be in witness protection; however, since Jack Marshalls' conviction for the murder that Richard had originally been imprisoned for, he was willing to take more risks to be with his sister.

"You don't think I could let you do this on your own do you?" He replied.

"I'm not on my own; I have my daughter here with me, as well as Davey. Putting yourself at risk isn't exactly going to help me is it?" She said.

"True but she was my Mum too and anyway Marshall is in prison, how's he gonna find me?"

"We both know he's a sneaky bas..."

"GINA"

"...person, he has contacts on the outside so being in prison won't stop him will it?" She finished.

"Hang on a minute, what do you mean your daughter?" Richard exclaimed suddenly.

"It took you long enough to realise what I said. Yes my daughter." She smiled happily.

She explained to him all about Alex and her Grandchildren with great pride. Once she finished it was time to go in for the funeral service. With the enjoyment of seeing her brother again she almost forgot the real reason they were all there.

The service lasted an hour before the mourners walked to the graveside where Gina and Richards' Mum was laid in her final resting place. Alex stood beside her Mum with her arm around her waist pulling her into a comforting hug. Gina appreciated having her family there but wanted some time on her own once the others' left for the wake at Ginas' house.

"I'll be round to the house in a while; I just want some time to think." She said to them.

"Ok Mum, take as much time as you need." Alex said, squeezing her Mum a tight smile. "Would you like me to wait at the car for you?" She added.

"Don't worry about me; I'll walk back in a while." Gina replied.

Once she was on her own Gina thought about everything that had happened in the last week. It also made her question a few things as well. When she felt ready to head home, she walked briskly across the London streets to Tubbs Lane. It only took her fifteen minutes or so to get back into the warmth. She walked into the kitchen and was glad she had prepared some food for everyone. They all milled round chatting to each other whilst Gina remained in the background.

Alex was walking round the room making sure everyone had something to eat and didn't want anything else. She glanced up and noticed Gina disappearing out of the kitchen and up the stairs. She decided to follow her, just to make sure she was ok.

She knocked lightly on the bedroom door and walked in holding a mug of hot tea.

"This will warm you up." She said as she handed Gina the hot drink.

"Thanks." Gina replied.

"Do you want to be left on your own?" Alex asked as she hovered at the side of the bed.

"No I'm ok, come sit here for a while." She said as she made space for Alex to sit beside her. "I'm sorry about the last few days. About what you were saying this morning, in a way you're right; I have been avoiding you but not for the reasons you think."

"So what are your reasons?"

At that moment Davey walked into the room as well. Gina was pleased to see him because she wanted to tell them both what she had been thinking. He settled on the bed beside Gina, wrapping his arm tightly round her waist. She quickly explained to him what she had been talking about with Alex, and then got back to the point.

"Like I said before, I've not been avoiding you because of you; it's actually because of me. I feel guilty because you were both people I loved and cared about, but I pushed you both away and lost you both. Losing my Mum has made me question everything that has happened over the years and made me wonder if it was all worth it." She explained.

"And what conclusion did you come to?" Alex asked.

"Would you say you were happy growing up?" She asked Alex.

"Yeah I guess I would." Alex answered a little confused.

"What about you? Would you say you are happy with the way your life turned out?" She asked, looking at Davey.

"Yeah." He said nodding his head.

"That's the answers I came up with. Pretty much everything I did was to make sure you both were happy; I also had to make sure the rest of my family was happy too, Mum, Dad and Richard. Look how that turned out, Richard had to fake his own suicide to remain safe; My Mother was never able to stay conscious long enough to know anything was ever going on; and my Father was happiest when he was away from us all and earning himself money. I didn't make any real difference to their lives, and ruined my chances of real happiness with my own family for them. I'm really glad that you both have led happy lives, because it means that my intentions for you have worked; but now I constantly feel like I'm playing catch up. I've finally got my daughter and husband that I should have had in the first place." She continued to explain.

Davey and Alex sat in silence and listened to what Gina had to say. Alex was fighting hard against the tears pricking at her eyes. She understood exactly how Gina was feeling, because sometimes, that was how she felt too. She moved closer to her Mum and held her as close and as tight as she could.

"It's ok Mum, I know how you feel, because I quite often feel like I'm playing catch up too. I know I've known you for 14 years, but 13 of those we spent as friends. I know we were very close friends and still are, but it's not the same. As for you Dad, I'm still getting to know you. At least you both knew each other long before anyone else did, so you know things no one else would." Alex said.

"Well that's true." Davey said thoughtfully, making Alex and Gina look at him.

"What do you mean by that?" Gina asked cautiously.

"It's nothing bad, honest." He replied.

"You can't say something like that and then clam up. Spill!" Alex said cheekily.

"It's really ridiculous little things I remember about your Mum." He began to explain before being interrupted.

"Like what?" Gina asked with a very worried expression.

"Well, like the day you were born for example." He said.

"What, you remember the day Mum was born, seriously?" Alex sounded surprised.

"Yeah I do. You see my Mother was a trained nurse/mid-wife and everyone in Commercial square were on tender hooks because Gina was a few days late. Anyway, one afternoon we got an urgent knock on our door telling us she had gone into labour so my Mother rushed over with me in tow. Within twenty minutes you were born and that was that." He explained whilst looking at Gina.

"You've never told me that before." Gina said with a smile.

"I've never needed to." He replied before kissing Gina on the head.

Alex smiled at her Mum and Dad, feeling proud of them both. She also found it amusing to see Gina in such a different light. She concluded that Gina had mellowed a lot over the last couple of years. Her cancer had started it, knocking quite a bit of her feistiness out of her; but since Gina and Davey got back together, Alex noticed most of the change happen.

"I love you two to absolute pieces, I hope you realise that." Alex said as she hugged them both. "We didn't get the best start and we've all missed out on something; but you are really great parents and I'm really lucky to have you." She added.

The rest of the day past quickly, with the three of them enjoying chatting about their lives. They still felt something was missing but they agreed that they now had the family that they always wanted and that they were no longer going to dwell on the hurt that they all felt from their individual losses.

Once everyone from the funeral had gone home Alex headed back downstairs to start clearing up. She left Davey and Gina to talk for a while longer. Whilst she stood at the sink washing the plates, Smithy walked in behind her. He wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her neck.

"Are you alright?" He asked caringly.

"Yeah, I'm fine thanks." She replied. "Here grab a towel and you can help dry." She added, throwing the towel over his head.

Gina walked quietly down the stairs and into the hall way. She stood in the doorway of the kitchen, and watched Alex as she dodged Smithy as he flicked the towel in his hands at her. Alex laughed loudly when Smithy yelped as she stumbled into him, pushing him into the table. Gina smiled at the sight of them and enjoyed seeing her daughter happy.

Davey joined Gina in the hall and creased his eyebrows when Gina placed her finger over her lips. He also smiled when he saw Alex and Smithy as they behaved like big kids.

Gina coughed with amusement which made the young couple stop dead in their tracks. They looked at each other with embarrassment and composed themselves before apologising.

"Sorry Mum." Alex smiled awkwardly.

"I don't know, what are you two like?" Gina laughed.

"Come on, if the four of us start these dishes the quicker we can have them put away." Davey said as he grabbed another dish cloth.

Gina also grabbed a cloth from the draining board and the four of them quickly got through the rest of the washing up. Alex and Smithy headed home to bed a couple of hours later, leaving Gina and Davey alone. Alex had taken Nicola to spend the night with them so that her parents could get some rest.

Davey was already asleep when Gina walked into their bedroom. She quickly changed before sinking under the warmth of her duvet. Closing her eyes she drifted off to sleep, marking the end of a hectic day and week.

**Thanks to those of you who have read and reviewed this fic, I hope you liked it. Don't worry though because I have plenty more stories in the pipeline so keep your eyes peeled for the next fic up soon. X**


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